Thoughts on Home

Recently, the news had opted to focus all of its attention on a little country that means even less: North Korea. Such a relic! Its military is from the 1970s and its ideology from the 1950s, but its shame is definitely still present. Despite there being not a single shred of evidence that North Korea can A) hit the United States with a nuclear bomb; B) successfully mount a military campaign to invade Candyland or C) feed its own people, everyone outside of South Korea was worried about North Korea.

This. This is what North Korea loses to. Princess Lolly is going to fuck you up!!!!

Well, I’m glad that the American government felt that Secretary of State John Kerry needed to come out and personally apply pressure on China/appear with Pak Geun-Hye to resolve this situation. I’m sure some backroom deal was brokered to pacify everything. What I’m really confused about is why the American media feels the need to over-sensationalize every— wait. Wait. Never mind. I just answered my own stupid question. If anyone wanted to think about the situation calmly and rationally it would go something like this:

“Well, North Korea is making threats and using a lot of confrontational rhetoric. What does this mean?”
“Hmm. Let me think. It is a country that has recently just been sanctioned by the U.N. This is relevant for two reasons: 1) China, perhaps N. Korea’s last significant ally and the regional hegemon, supported the sanctions and 2) North Korea is angry because it has even fewer resources to continue its existence.”
“Wow. I didn’t know that. Go on.”
“Of course, Courteous Counterpart. North Korea feels backed into a corner and is a little paranoid, so it reacting the same way a 5 year old child does when Daddy takes away rights to the cookie jar and Mommy actually agrees with Daddy instead of indulging the little fat bastard: a small tantrum. Now let me ask you a question – are you scared of a five year old throwing a tempter tantrum?”
“No. A five-year old is too weak to really hurt anyone.”
“Exactly. North Korea is the same. It is too weak to really decide to try and cross the world’s most heavily fortified border to face a military with a huge qualitative edge that is backed by the most powerful country in the world and probably 90% of the world in general. Even assuming a missile launch or some other form of action towards South Korea, North Korea would be finished within a week. Ergo, nothing will happen and North Korea is just trying to call attention to itself (and maybe Kim Jong-Eun is trying to cement his leadership, using any resulting aid-deals or concessions as victory points).”

(Short of going into a political science diatribe on what constitutes a state and what characteristics/behavior are common to all states, I’m going to stop this dialogue.)

Wow. Wasn’t that succinct? Do we really need to over sensationalize all of— ah crap! I did it again. I tried thinking logically when all the major news sources care about is getting somewhere between 10-70% of the information correct in direct inverse proportion to how quickly they can release it and increase viewership considering most Americans are stupid sensationalist-loving excuses of intellectual creations. Oh, that brings me to another, more recent and more tragic event.

Boston holds a very special place in my life. I am a dyed-in-the-womb die-hard Red Sox fan. I have more Bosox clothing/Boston clothing than anything else in my wardrobe (I just checked). I love the feel of the city, the way it’s laid out (much better than NY), the architecture, the history, and so many other things about it. I love that Boston is an intellectual city (MIT, Harvard, BU, BC, Berklee, Emerson, etc.) and a blue-collar salty city. Boston is New England’s city. The Beacon on a Hill. The Home of the Fens… It’s not the financial center like NY, it’s not the political center, like D.C., it’s kind of a lower-Ivy of American cities – storied history and full of great accomplishments, but it’s not a giant. That’s partly why I was so shocked when I awoke the other day, opened my news and saw “Breaking News: Boston Marathon explosions…” Explosions that have left 3 dead and over 150 wounded.

Lindz’s quick drawing about Boston’s spirit. I thought I’d share this

As much as I cannot understand why whoever perpetrated this act chose Boston, the Marathon, or even chose to do this in general, I also cannot understand two other related aspects – the news coverage and the American reaction. For my feelings on the news coverage, see the above Korean discussion about over-sensationalizing news for intellectually deficient Americans. Before I continue, I want to offer a little parallel. 1 year and 11 months ago I was in another conflict-lodestone of our world – Jerusalem. I was studying abroad in Israel after being evacuated from Cairo and the Egyptian chapter of the Arab Spring and had agreed to join my friend in running the 1st official Jerusalem Marathon. Two days before the marathon, some unidentified individuals (Hamas claimed responsibility and two individuals of another militant group are currently awaiting trial for their involvement) placed a bomb at a bus stop – killing one woman and wounding 39 more. There was speculation that this was a precursor of an even larger effort to be made at the marathon. I very much remember the fear at that time. I remember how, even in such an ever-stressed and contested state, there was that little edge of nervousness. An uncertainty as to whether or not something worse would happen. However, that nervousness was mitigated by the underlying belief that life must be enjoyed to its fullest – don’t let somebody else’s maybe prevent you from achieving your definite happiness. A lot of people from home and from Haifa University told the group of us going down to run in Jerusalem that we should stay home because it could be too dangerous. Most of us replied with “Why?” I distinctly recall feeling that you have to keep experiencing life. If you let others dictate how you are going to live and make your choices for you, then you aren’t living your life any more. Someone else is. Reflecting on that sentiment now, I begin to get a little more curious: what course of action did the Tsarnaev brothers (if they are the perpetrators) intend to force American lives into? What are they crying out for? What change are they hoping to affect? Who is trying to change how people live – were they by themselves or part of a group or is it all a conspiracy? I’m not asking these questions so that we can get the quick answer that sets everything neatly into our black and white worlds and we can go target the “individuals responsible.”

As you can see, my first thoughts aren’t what you typically see on the news or on your facebook feed. That brings me to my point about the American reaction. I was astounded by the number of posts I saw – both on news feeds and social media sites – that were some derivative of “DON’T F&^* WITH BOSTON!!! WE ARE GOING TO F***ING KILL YOUUUUUU!” or “AMERICA! GOD BLESS US!!!! F*** YOU YOU F**** SDI(R$Y*G REW*G(*GF # *)G WE’RE GOING TO KILL YOUUUUUU!” So many people beat their breasts and thumped their feet to the tune of violence and anger that I was reminded of a five year old with a hammer (see the similarity to the N. Korea story we talked about earlier?). You are angry and you think the best thing to do is swing your hammer about because you want to crush the thing that makes you angry. Let me tell you a little allegorical scenario: A little boy is playing with some dogs and puppies in a room. The boy is clearly not too smart, a little obese, and his mommy does whatever she can to make him happy or else he gets angry and swings his hammer (see where this is going yet?). The boy believes that play time involves pinching, biting, pulling, and otherwise hurting the dogs and puppies. But again, this little boy is too stupid to recognize that he may be a little too rough. Eventually, one of the dogs bites the boy because it was hurt too many times. The boy swings his hammer and cripples the dog. He goes back to playing. Another dog bites the boy after he hurt it too much. The boy swings his hammer and kills a different dog by accident. The boy goes back to playing and the cycle repeats. Not once during his play time does the boy ever wonder why the dogs are biting him, he just responds by swinging his hammer and doing the same thing. Do you get the moral of the story?

For some context: There are very, very, very few times you should ever wish someone dead. There are very, very, very few times you should voice that thought out loud. In my opinion, you should never ever combine the desire to wish someone dead with blind anger and nationalism. That is an incredibly heady brew, intoxicating in its consumption, that can actually create a critical mass if joined with other like-minded individuals or groups. The readiness with which so many people sprang to display their callous hate, nationalist righteous anger, and a desire for violence to the world is sickening. It was revolting to witness. I was disgusted, disappointed, and a little ashamed that many people I grew up with, those I consider dear friends, and such a seemingly large portion of the country all felt that this was the appropriate reaction to this situation. Maybe it is because my first reaction is to ask questions and get more information. Not call for blood. Maybe this comes from my viewpoint while outside America, as it was in May 2011 when I saw the same thing while in Israel regarding Osama Bin Laden’s death. Maybe I’m disgusted because I know that whatever caused the individuals to go to such lengths that they bombed a finish line at a marathon is not going to end with their deaths. Maybe it is because I would rather search for a way so that this will not happen again from any other person, rather than being so short-sighted as to only think of the here and now. Or maybe I am wrong/too idealistic.

In other news, my fantasy baseball team is not doing well, my real Red Sox team is, and I’m glad that most of my friends that I’ve gotten updates from are all safe, sound, and striving to achieve their dreams. Keep a steady hand on the tiller and sail for that horizon.

Haesindang Park

That is a stone penis with ‘Haesindang Park” carved into the shaft. Yes, this is Korea.

A.K.A. Penis Park.

On Easter weekend I went for quite the enjoyable trip to Eastern ROK for some fun at the Haesindang park. Joining Lindsey, Lindsey’s visiting friend Tom, Heather, Behlen, and her friend Candice, I went to Donghae to experience another city, see the Haesindang park, and perhaps stay the night in a jjim-jil bang. I was quite excited because I actually had seen Haesindang in a Cracked article I read a few weeks before my flight (It’s #3). Now, for those of you who want to know all of the gory details:

There is a legend in the city of Sinnam, South Korea that there was once a young couple soon to marry. However, one day while the woman was out picking seaweed (or doing something on a rock in the ocean, the accounts differ), a strong storm came and killed her before her soon-to-be-husband’s eyes. Soon after, the local fishing industry began to wither – which was blamed on the dead woman’s vengeful spirit. As any logical and in no way simply-blubbering-for-an-excuse-for-his-heinous-crime-when-caught-by-the-police man would, an upstanding gentleman/fisherman masturbated into the sea and the fish returned. It was about that time people made the conclusion that the spirit must have been appeased by the offering – something she hadn’t had in life. So, instead of having scores of men make a penis-pilgrimage to Sinnam for public play, they simply created a bunch of phallic objects in a park by the sea and emphatically stated that these objects are “same-same” in pleasing the spirit. Hooray penis statues!

Noraebong on a train?! Oh yeah!

Before you get to see any more pictures, I want to start with some foreplay. To get to the city where we would begin our exploration, we had to take a train. This was my first time on a Korean train! So excited. I was not disappointed. As you can see, that is a noraebong booth on the train. Sure, it only sits two people and everyone in the snack car can hear you, but that’s what life is about! Oh, and the snack car is totally chill with selling you alcohol you can drink back in your seat. Not sure if you can do that in America since I rarely go on trains back home, but seriously. Get on that. Everyone would ride trains more often if they were like Korean trains (and if America was the size of Korea and had a nationally subsidized railroad service… oh wait).

Well, after an awesome 4 hour train ride, we finally got to Donghae (which still makes me laugh – a penis park near donghae! GAH!). It turns out that the park is nowhere near Donghae, so we had to take several buses and wait several more hours, during which the anticipation continued to rise unabated. Finally, full of emotion and expectant of our momentous release, we made it to the park. We got to see so many things and very artistically interpreted penises. Here, let me show you mine (you don’t have to reciprocate).

The first dicks of the day.

Penis benches for your reclining pleasure.

Even their trees start in the phallic form.

Chinese Zodiac ensconced in penises.

Lindsey and Heather enjoying a crouching penis (where’s the dragon?)

Lindsey helps tell the legend

That dog sure is creepy… a stern warning about man’s best friend seeing all.

Weird.

The artistic creations stand at attention overlooking the harbor

A cannon. I thought you only cocked pistols and rifles…

Lindsey and Heather straddling a bronze phallus with a Korean in the middle

Penis wind chimes.

Penis fence-posts and the shrine where you can leave suggestive offerings to the spirit.

That rock in the distance is where she died.

So that’s the park! Of course we were making dick jokes and sexual innuendos the whole time. It was quite the pleasant 1.5 hour experience.

After the park, we headed back to Donghae for some noraebong and drinking with Heather’s friend Mike who lives in Donghae and some of his friends. It was a great time had by all. To cap it all off, we spent Easter evening in a jjim-jil bang. Or, as Lindsey said: a jimmy-bang. It’s basically a combination hostel and spa where you pay 7 or 8 bucks, get a change of clothes and a locker. Then you strip down and go into some saunas or hot tubs (naked, divided by gender) where you relax. Or, if you are Korean, throw one leg up on a chair and use a hair dryer on your nether regions. Because that is what everyone wants to see(especially still drunk at 9AM on Easter morning): you airing your wrinkly, saggy, manhood and friends. After that, you change into the given shorts and shirt and go sleep on the floor in a windowless room with around 100 of your never-met best friends who snore like demons. Yay. I’m glad I did it, because it was an experience, but it probably isn’t going to happen again.

The next day we went to the Muryeung Valley. It is the self-titled “Grand Canyon” of Korea. However, as the Muryeung Valley is a valley, not a canyon, is not in the desert, and is much smaller, I fail to see the comparison. The reason we went to the valley is to engage in a nice, leisurely stroll to a Buddhist temple:

A nice stream to walk beside.

This rock in the middle of the stream was imprinted with Hanja characters (Sino-Korean writing).

Artsy pic of the wall.

The main part of the temple.

Buddhist bells are awesome.

Not a bad trip. I don’t think the temple was any different from the 101 others, but it was nice to see and a good place to just reflect on Easter. After that, we got back on a train and headed home to Cheongju! Woohoo! Success!

Life Update

Well, hey there. I seem to recall that we were in the midst of a conversation before I so rudely took my leave so un-announced. It appears that I must once again apologize for my disappearance, but segue into an observation: I have a tendency to write in one month cycles. I go 3 or 4 weeks without any writing pangs, but then I try to divest myself of as many written words as possible. Luckily for us, I have many many things that I have neglected to write to you about, which means we shan’t quickly tire of our re-connection. I’ll tell you all the details about everything I’ve been up to in the past few months, but first I will give you a few personal updates so you’ll know the end game of my previous few months’ experiences. (Disclaimer, these are not ranked in any order of importance, they are simply the order in which I remember them)

*Achem!* Perhaps of most recent newsworthy note, I have joined the ranks of the technologically literate (self-deludingly so) with the purchase, acquisition, and use of a new iPad 4. Ohhhh my goodness. I primarily use it to read books (I read the Picture of Dorian Gray right off and have moved onto “Starfish” by Peter Watts, as per Lindsay’s recommendation), however I have also found some fun games, use it for videos and flashcards in class, Skype with better camera resolution than my computer, and multitask by watching videos on it while I play games on my computer. Ah, the life of a first-world, white male and his fascination with gadgets that are merely redundancies (see Galaxy SIII and laptop computer). I dropped a pretty penny for this titillating tablet, seeing as Apple has a limited presence here in Korea, but I feel that it will pay off greatly in the end.

I have survived seven months here in Cheongju, ROK, and I A) have not been detained for public indecency B) killed a student C) been unduly tortured* by my students D) have not once been accused of corrupting public morals E) have not caught yellow fever F) or any other malicious disease G) have not started WWIII H) have not been asked to be the next Supreme Leader of North Korea I) have enjoyed some delicious crepes and baked goods at Oh La La** J) have yet to go to Busan or a beach, K) have consistently failed at budgeting my time L) started the “Insanity” workouts in preparation for warm weather M) finally made it to the roof of the Avalon building for some pre-class sunshine N) have felt the crushing weight of hopelessness regarding “What am I going to do with my life?” O) got an invitation to my High School 5-year reunion P) and promptly felt confused because WHAT?! IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS?!?!?!! Q) have felt immense pride in my sister for kicking butt down at Vandy S) have been shocked – pleasantly so – by how my brother is doing at Elon T) have missed my parents, not that I’ll ever tell them U) have gained a new appreciation for literally every single teacher/professor who taught me*** V) have re-discovered the joy of letting loose and hamming it up when singing W) have utterly failed at learning Korean X) realized I want to stay a kid a little longer Y) have met some of the best people in the world who are totally devoted to their dreams/travels/jobs Z) have 7 more months to enjoy!

*Point C is qualified since “unduly tortured” is a subjective term

**Point I mentions Oh La La: a fantastic bakery of cupcakes, crepes, and brownies that will soon make me fat and broke

*** Ms. Barlow, Mrs. Volpe, Ms. Merrill, Ms. Hughes, Ms. Hincks, Mrs. Hadfield, Mrs. McKenna, Mr. Terry, Mrs. Meyers & Mrs. Dunstan & Sra. Rochefort & Mrs. Hammond & Mrs. Pierce & Mr. Scott & Mr. Dion & Sra. Hook & Ms. Pavone & Ms. Buffan & Ms. Cancel & Mr. Stabile, Mrs. Izzo & Mr. Kenney & Mrs. Bucci & Mr. George & Ms. Lavoie & Ms. Amelotte & Sr. Mac & Sra. Chavez & Srta. O’Day & Mr. Collins & Ms. Schnacky & Mr. Lenox & Mr. Carniaux & Mrs. Mallozzi & Ms. Shaw & Ms. Parish & Mr. Petrucci & Mr. Downey & Ms. Harvey, Profs. Short & Swimelar & Morgan & Colbert & Taylor & Harmann & Brumbaugh & Ustatha Shereen & Sorensen & Digre & Crowe & Cockerell & Moreau & De Brigard & Allocco & TSaw & Lee & Lee & Hlavaty & Lily & Mor & Morris & Landau & Ustatha Jaldeti (Apologies if I’ve forgotten anyone)

I’ve sent home enough money to cover my loans for the next 9 months, which means I can now spend money with reckless abandon and still not have angry creditors! This does wonders for the psyche and promises to greatly improve my anemic social life. Well, actually, it may not do much of anything since I have my iPad, my computer and work. At the very least, I already feel more inclined to take expensive trips to experience Korea!

It’s starting to get warmer here in Korea, which means that Summer is nearly upon us! A magical time of warm sun, constant sweating, and the looming typhoon season! Yay! I’m hoping that the warm weather will help get my lazy butt in gear and go running again/get in shape. Even if it doesn’t, I look forward to post-work relaxation sessions in the park or outside the local quicky mart.

Otherwise, I’m trying. My life is settling into a nice groove/routine and I’ll soon be a little more complete when Lindsay gets over here. I’m happy because I’m still in a new place. Yes, Korea is incredibly frustrating and seemingly contradictory/paradoxical, but it’s still fun to get tripped up by the cultural gap. This gap hasn’t gone away yet. I still find new things every day. Yes, sometimes I try to find them and sometimes I try to pry them open until I fall in. It’s a mad world and if you don’t laugh at the insanity, you’re liable to wind up seriously in trouble. I am trying to figure out how I am going to live my life after my contract is done and I honestly cannot say for certain whether this has helped me decide my future. What I do know is that I have a bunch of kids who I need to focus on as much as possible. I’m not going to win any Teacher of the Year awards and I’m probably an Average Teacher at best, but I’m trying. You know that phrase “you don’t get points for trying?” I just want to say that you may not get “points,” but you can get better. Ustatha Shereen always told us that life was about living/trying/doing with good feelings and positive thoughts, which create expanding bubbles of positivity that link with others’ bubbles and so forth until good things happen. I’m trying, Ustatha Shereen. That’s where I’m at: I’m trying.

That’s the news from Cheongju-si. Where all the teachers are strong, all the cafes are full, and all the children defy the average. Don’t worry about us, North Korea isn’t doing anything.

6 Months

It has been exactly 6 months since I have woken in this country. 6 months. Wow. I honestly cannot believe it. I hardly remember my first weeks here, they seem so long ago. Yet at the same time I feel so new to my job and my friends (more like family) here. I haven’t done half the things I’ve wanted to do in this country, but half my contract has passed. If you have kept up with the blog, then I see no need to recapitulate everything I have written. Instead I’ll just talk at you a little longer and wax nostalgic.

6 months ago I boarded a plane as a wide-eyed and foolishly (falsely) over-confident lad bound for the Riches of the Orient. Enticed by tales of gold and adventures rarely seen by my peers, I nervously pledged myself to a full year of cheerful service. I must admit, the first half of that year was less than cheerful at times. Yet life is about perseverance and resolve. In my first taste of the real world, I have seen a little more of what life has to offer. Strangely enough, I have come to find that life in the real world isn’t always so upbeat as life was previously back home. I have begun to see that there are so many people in life who shelter each of us from hardship and pain. So many people who provide us with seemingly unceasing fountains of happiness: Friends, Family, Significant others, and Co-workers, all of whom provide a solid presence and comfort through our everyday trials. At home I had those protectors in spades. Now, having flown halfway around the world and presented with the opportunity to forge new bonds of friendship to support me… Well, the task has been immensely rewarding and all colors of fun. I truly am grateful to everyone here who has made my life easier and helped me reach this point in my life. I am happy, I am dedicated to my job, I am content in my current situation.

Looking back, I guess I can classify these past 183 days as a time in my life where I built. I built friendships. I built confidence. I built experience and built upon my skills. I built my life in my own patterns and fashions in my environs. I have built a foundation for the next 6 months. With my comfort, I want to seize every opportunity and strive for more experiences – travel to more cities in Korea and see more culture, really dedicate myself to Korean language instruction, try to bring as much passion and love of learning into my classes as possible (we can make these kids want to learn, I swear it!). So much to do and so much I have to look forward to. I think if I had to sum up the past 6 months of my life in one word it would be “foundation,” but for the next 6 months I want it to be, “immersion.”

Well, I bore you. Apologies. I will go seize the opportunities that life presents and wring every drop of happiness from them – both for myself and my friends. Then I’ll write about them so you can share in this ambrosia. Now! I must prepare myself for a night in Seoul to celebrate!

Sh!t My Kids Say Part 2

So it’s been a while since my last post about the things my kids say in class. I don’t know if my kids aren’t as funny yet in this new semester or if I can’t remember what they say as a result of my Archer-like existence at all hours of the day, but I’m sure there must be a reason.

Publisher’s Note: Jon is never drunk for class and has never ingested alcohol on school premises. (He just wanted to make a meme!)

However, sometimes these kids say funny things.

For example, this semester I’m teaching a fairly low-level LangCon class where the kids know little English and are only 7 or 8 years old. The young beauties in this class number 6: Chad, Kevin, Kyle, Amy, Sophia, and Alice. They prefer to spend more time touching my butt, making random hand gestures, and throwing shoes at each other than they do sitting in their seats to learn English. My favorite thing about these kids is their inability to form sentences. They cannot say, “I want…” or “I have…” or other “I + verb…” sentences. So whenever they need water or bathroom breaks, they just say “Teacher! My bathroom!” or “Teacher, my water!” I can’t tell them to stop, because they don’t understand. Even simple attempts to fix their mistakes (Making them repeat, “I have. To Go. To the bathroom.”) go un-learned because they have the short term memory of a midge-fly. They get to “I have to…” and they forget “bathroom.” I get them to say “Go to the bathroom,” and they forget “I have to…” I guess I’ll just have to listen to “Teacher! My bathroom!” for a while longer yet.

On the other end of the spectrum is my highest level Avalon class – T3. These kids are upper-level middle schoolers who are some of the most fluent in the school. These kids know such vaunted phrases as “pain in the ass,” and delight in making the snarkiest of comments. One of the girls, Sunni (actually it’s “Sunny,” but she yelled at me that she “isn’t like the Effing weather,” the charming lass), was tasked to answer a question about preference between getting a job at a sandwich shop or trying at a job fair. She had 15 seconds to prepare and 45 seconds to answer the question. She started her answer with “I think that going to the Vanity Fair would be better than the sub-sandwich shop. The sub-sandwich shop is not a good job and the Vanity Fair has more potential…” After 45 seconds had finished I just asked her one question: “Sunny, do you know what Vanity Fair is?” She just looked at me, then her eyes widened. “I didn’t answer correctly? What was I supposed to say?”
“Job fair, Sunny, not Vanity Fair.”
“Teacher, what is Vanity Fair?”
“It’s a popular magazine in the United States for fashion and pop culture.”
“Sorry, Teacher, I watched a movie last night.”
Hahaha. Sunny saw a movie, which meant she confused Vanity Fair with a job fair. Not something I thought to ever say from my professional experiences.

My final comments are from my JA class. There is a student in there whose name was “Jelly Pizza.” I say “was” because she changed her name to “Reina.” My first day in that class, she started running her mouth about everything and anything that came into her head “Teacher, I’m hungry. Teacher, do you have a girlfriend? Teacher, do you know Jesse teacher? Teacher! I don’t think so…” and anything else. She is easily has one of the most effervescent personalities I have ever seen and a fairly intelligent mind to support it. At the beginning of class, I always write the students’ names on the board so I can give points for participation. Since it was my first class with them and I didn’t know all of their names, I played a little game with them where I ask them their names and write nonsensical things upon the board. For example, I ask, “What is your name?” “But, Teacher!…” so I write “But Teacher” on the board and everyone laughs. Well, Jelly Pizza’s real name is Jessica, but she did not want to tell me even Jelly Pizza, so she said “Teacher, you are a cucumber-face!”
“I’m a cucumber-face?! You are a carrot-face!”
“No! No! No! No! I am not a cucumber-face! I mean, not a carrot-face!”
So I wrote all of that on the board. MWUHAHAHA! I am victorious! However, what I find the best part about this is her creativity in coming up with an insult of such devastating impact. She is only 11 or so and has such powerful and energetic spirit that she can use English is such a way… it is incredibly refreshing in the midst of the other “dead spacers” in the school (You know, the kids who simply show up and waste the air of everyone in the room because they don’t want to be there).

As you can see, my kids keep me on my toes. I don’t know what it is, but I seem to have found a new source of hope and enjoyment in teaching in these kids. Perhaps it is these crazy things they say, the familiarity I have gained after 6 months here, or the new/relaxed attitude I have towards my classroom management, but I am beginning to find genuine happiness in this job. Hooray for the crazy sh!t my kids say!

Excitement!

Excitement!
(Also, this picture was in school a couple months ago and I absolutely lost my composure… so many memories)

It seems that everything I have done lately has resulted in breaking a previously made promise, whether it be to myself or to others. Maybe it’s the promise that I will go to work 5 minutes early, I will be nicer to my co-workers, I will study harder, I won’t let my students bother me so much, I won’t eat another choco-pie when I am sitting all alone in my apartment while watching a marathon of backlogged TV episodes of my favorite shows and no one is going to know but I’ll know and…, well, you get the point. This remarkable penchant for failing at self-imposed boundaries reveals a stunning weakness of spirit and will that I am slightly unsettled by. However, in this case, it has not resulted in disappointment and self-loathing, but in a most wondrous and exciting happenstance: this blog post. This is not in the aforementioned chronological-transcription of events that I said would happen for my blog posts since I have rediscovered time and energy (but never the talent!) necessary to resume a few weeks ago. Instead, I again break tradition to tell you of my recent joy in life.

You are as-of-yet unaware with my heightened stress levels that the last month has subjected to my life, but I assure you that, through many failings of my own, I have come to a point in my life where I need to de-stress. For a quick summary: tomorrow my walls will be stripped and re-papered to remove the copious amounts of black mold peppering it, work has gotten steadily more oppressive with it’s micro-managing, the semester is winding down and the new one begins on Monday in all of its glory, I’m trying to juggle three online courses (none of which are for credit, just personal enrichment. So, really, I’m just a nerd), I’m trying to keep abreast with TV shows and movies and friends and this blog, and I am trying to think about life after my contract. Plus, being separated from loved ones and your biggest support structure while constantly subjected to the brutal perspective that you are not worthy of respect or are not deserving of even a modicum of decency is a little stressful for me. Nevertheless, as the great Freddy Mercury said, “I consider it a challenge before all human race and I never lose!”

YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Which brings me to the excitement with which I am currently imbued. As many in the fantasy realm are aware, a monumental chapter in history was closed with the release of A Memory of Light, also known as “that last F*&%ing book in the Wheel of Time Series.” I promised myself that I wouldn’t go all “nerd/geek/loser” over it, but now that it is sitting in front of me… GAH! THE CULMINATION IS HERE! THE 14TH BOOK! I CAN REEEAAAADDDDD!!!

*Achem* Excuse me. That’s been trapped in there a while. SOOOooooOOOoo, I’m going to go start that. I have 909 pages of sheer literary bliss to wander through in mind-reeling amazement. I don’t know if you can tell, but I am incredibly excited about this. This is my way of relieving stress. This is my way of righting my listing world. This is how I justify not sleeping at night. Now if only I can convince my bosses that I can give all my kids essays while I read in school…

Lindsay and the Coex Mall

Doesn’t that sound like a nice story for children? “Lindsay and the Coex Mall by Jon Ordog, illustrated by Eric Carle” (because I SAID SO!). Well, if you don’t know me, or you don’t know Lindz, or you don’t know us, we are pretty much the most sickeningly sweet couple you can imagine. I don’t think that is true, per se, but my coworkers and most everybody we know has told us that repeatedly. Why did I tell you that? Because I am secure in being a “whipped bitch” as it was so kindly explained to me one day by an esteemed associate of mine. Plus, if it’s on the Internet, it’s true.

Now, Lindz loves animals. She loves aquariums, zoos, nature, and anything where she can see/touch/imagine/play with animals. As the World’s Best Boyfriend (not just self-anointed, that title is), I couldn’t very well drag her over here without taking her to an aquarium. “BUT, JON!” you scream at the screen in front of you, “THE POST SAYS ‘LINDSAY AND THE COEX MALL! NOT COEX AQUARIUM!” First of all, have you ever heard the term ‘don’t kill the messenger?’ Then stop yelling at a screen, it solves nothing and hurts its feelings. And B: Yes, doofus. It does say Coex Mall because the aquarium is inside the mall. Well, don’t you look foolish? I thought so. But we can still be friends because I am a forgiving sort. Just don’t try my patience further.

So, Lindz and I went up to Seoul to show her the big city, go to the aquarium, taste Seoul’s nightlife, and enjoy some International spice in our lives. It was an incredible weekend and one I greatly enjoyed. I won’t post too many pictures lest I bore you to death, but the following should suffice.

I talk with the fish. For I am of them and we know our own.

Korean animals are more badass than American ones.

Snooty Fish

This lizard was… august and regal.

Cutest thing there…

River otters! They be so happy!

Yes, I took this photo, no it is not altered. I’m that good.

The most majestic of ancient creatures (but it totally reminds me of Donkey Kong on Game Boy)

They even had manatees!

Underwater tunnel! So cool!

Boom! Pretty exciting stuff! I think one of the most interesting aspects of the whole experience was how none of the Koreans understood the concept of patience. It was a pell-mell rush to press ugly children against the glass while simultaneously trying to snap pictures with their cameras. True, this is just how the country seems to operate in all areas of life, but it was just slightly more irritating when trying to get a shot of Lindz sans Korean children. It never got to the point where I wanted to pick up one of the kids and throw them into the live electric eel tank (I promise). A pretty good afternoon considering the aquarium cost roughly $20 to get in and we went through the whole thing in around 2 hours. By the way, the Coex Mall is huge. It has hundreds of stores, the aquarium, and too much stuff to see all at once. Really, all we needed was the aquarium and the subway because…

It was off to enjoy the evening with Heather, Lindsey, and Erin! So we hopped on the subway, headed to the Hongik University area (also known as Hongdae) and hit the bars!

A glowing Gin and Tonic reprise…

You know the night starts well if you need to “Get a Room…”

This is Lindsey’s cumshot

Agwa liquer (made from coca leaves) and Red Bull. a.k.a. Agwa Bomb.

What a fun night! So much excitement! Ah, you don’t want to hear about more partying in Seoul, that’s already been covered here.

Surprise! Special double feature: I’ll tell you about when Lindz and I went to the zoo, too! All animals are the same, right? Well, a couple weekends after Seoul, I still wanted to show Lindz to the few things that Cheongju has to offer. Specifically, there are three things to do/see in Cheongju: the fortress, the zoo, and the bus terminal (get it? It’s what gets you out of the city!). In all seriousness, there are several other things to see – like the Jikji museum and several other seasonal sports events – but those were not available. So, we went to the zoo. I must say, I was quite saddened by the living conditions of some of these animals. You know it is bad if I’m saddened. Lindz was downright depressed, what with her “sensitivity” and “empathy” and all those characteristics a healthy, functioning society classifies as the best it has to offer. I’m only including one tough picture, simply for illustrative purposes:

Zoo layout!

Bare concrete, steel wire cage, almost no water, and nothing to play with… except for what the Koreans would throw at the poor creature.

Haha. It’s so damn literal.

“It’s a jackal! It’s a jackal! It’s a jackal! Is it a jackal? It’s a jackal! It’s a jackal! It’s a jackal! Is it a jackal? It’s a jackal! It has to be a jackal!”

I hate this picture (because I look horrendous), but I can’t resist. She just looks so good!

So the zoo was lovely and it was a nice quiet afternoon. There were exotic birds, exotic big cats (not a one of which peed on Lindz either!), dogs, a wolf (!), some monkeys, and some bears. It was no where near as impressive as even the Roger Williams Park Zoo, or the NC Zoo, and it definitely made me appreciate American zoos a lot more. To be fair, whereas it costs $15-30 to go to most American zoos, the Cheongju Zoo only ran about $1.25 (kid price was like 50 cents). Can’t do much with those funds…

So that pretty much sums up Lindz’s trip here. We went to the aquarium (awesome), went to Seoul (awesome), saw the Cheongju local flavor (meh), and enjoyed each other’s company for as much as we could stand in our short month together. I’m not going to tell you everything we did (you don’t need to know how many movies and TV shows we watched), but I will say that I make a damn good breakfast in bed:

Dragon fruit-clementine-kiwi fruit salad, french toast, and scrambled eggs. A steaming cup of Lavender tea to complement.

Sorry to have bored you, I seem to have broken my promise. Oh well, you’ll get over yourself/skipped all the text and just looked at the pictures. That’s perfect because it’s like a normal conversation with me anyways! Har! Thanks for suffering through this and I’ll try to be better next time!

Intensives (and Winter Term in general)

I didn’t really post about my winter semester, now did I? Slight oversight on my part, I assure you. As ever, I exist to serve and aim to “strike!, balance!, redress!” all manners of informational deficiencies. Well, let me start by saying that as of right now I only have around 1.5 weeks left in the Winter Term… so… uh… better late than never? There were some significant changes in my schedule, which led to significant changes in my daily life that I am sure resulted in my unfortunate inability to keep you updated on my every errant thought. For such a grievous error, I humbly implore you to skip these sentences and begin the following paragraph.

As you recall, my Fall Semester educational buffet consisted entirely of Avalon fare. While nutritious for a growing boy and greatly aiding in the digestion of turbulent agitators, it was rather like a child having the option of “All you can eat” and just picking pizza, ice cream, and mashed potatoes because that is all he knows. Well, for my second pass, I was gifted with the broadened knowledge of a little salad bar I like to call LangCon. Now, I mentioned last time that LangCon is generally for the younger kids – from kindergarten kids just learning the alphabet all the way up to later elementary kids who are near-fluent. When they reach late-elementary, they either have to go to Avalon or find another school entirely, although we do like to keep kids in the family for their middle school years. My schedule, as such, reflected a much more sophisticated palate:

Oh yes, still with the color coordination. I am boss!

Now, you’ll notice some small changes between my fall and winter schedules. First, my hours are slightly different. Well, tally-ho! my good friend! You are ever the astute observer. Indeed my hours have changed from 2:30-11:00 PM to 1:00-10:00 PM! Earlier in the day is nice and all, but it does make it a little more difficult to communicate with you in the evenings or make myself an extravagant breakfast in the morning (or recover from late nights…). Also, you’ll see that my first two classes of every day are the same. Again, you always were a bright one, which is why we’re friends, you know. Now those two classes are LangCon 5D classes (the “5” stands for “5” and the “D” stands for “day.” Look at you learning!) and they are for the youngest kids I teach. The Nina-g (“g” stands for “green,” meaning first semester at that level) class is hit or miss, but the Nina-p (“p” stands for “purple” and means second semester at that level) class is always hellacious. I mean that in the most respectful of terms for a class where the kids routinely kick me in various manly places, yell over me, draw on the board with their own markers, use their cell phones and video tape class, don’t do their work, and generally disregard any attempts at education that humans have developed since the stone age. I’m sorry, I think those were inside words… These two classes actually perform the most interesting punishment ever exacted upon a teacher: the dreaded “poop rocket.”

I’m traumatized right now… the flashbacks… Courtesy of ViaKorea (Click at your own risk)

Oh yes, my dearest confidant, that is exactly as its name implies. Whilst the teacher continues in perfectly executing each and every responsibility and requirement so charged to said august position, a fiendish young devil hiding within the cherubic bodies of the children will suddenly seize control and manipulate that child into forming “the rocket.” The rocket is a simple achievement where the child clasps his or her hands angelically, but then extends the pointer fingers of each hand together much like what we in America would call a “Finger Gun.” Then, with the little devil fully in control of the under-developed child’s mind, these hands will be thrust into the backside of the teacher (who is either walking between rows to check homework or ask other students to please stop eating tape), producing an indignant squawk from the teacher and raucous peals of laughter from the entire class. The humiliation is bearable, but only barely so as it is considered improper to scream at the kids or beat them severely as such a violation would warrant. (In all seriousness, WTF?! This is a country that thinks “crazy” is tantamount to a swear, and “raspberry” noises are considered incredibly unclean, but shoving fingers into a person’s butt is completely acceptable? I guess cultural diversity really is a wonderful thing.)

Well, that little tangent aside (Haha, tangent! Aside! Woooo…. nerd!), I’ll finish with: Pinta-g is the next level above Nina-p and I really like my class. They are really good kids (no poop rockets) who know a decent amount of English and we can have some fun. I used to teach two sections of Pinta-g, but that second one got switched to a Navi-p. Now, the reason behind that was: Alice (one of the Korean teachers) has been forced into taking some extra responsibilities in LangCon and does not have time to teach all of her classes. So, there was a big shuffle of everyone’s schedules a few weeks ago and I was placed in the curious position of teaching the subjects typically taught by the Korean teachers (Social Studies and Science). So, I am now the “Korean” teacher for that class and have absolutely no idea what I am doing. Yay. Luckily, I had 3 of the 4 kids in that class in my Intensive Debate Class (getting to that soon) and they are all very smart kids (it’s the 2nd highest level I think). Hooray LangCon! Otherwise, my Avalon classes are very much the same as last semester (HA and MB and JB) and I see many of my students from last semester in my classes. That is a very interesting feeling, knowing that I taught these kids last semester and to see how a new class dynamic affects them. So, that’s the schedule! I have earlier hours, I work more hours, I have more work to do outside of class for my LangCon kids (journal grading and whatnot), I am settling into being a teacher, and I’m learning more and more every day.

Now I mentioned something about an Intensive Debate Class. That was no mistake. There is a curious practice in these private academies where they add extra one-month-long classes to the standard schedule. These classes are offered in the second month of the Winter and Summer semesters to coincide with school vacations. Back in the middle of December I was asked to develop and implement a debate class for the month of January. “All well and good,” I thought to myself as I stroked my beard. “However, you said ‘develop’ instead of teach. Why the verb change?” Well, as it turns out, LangCon has not done a debate class in quite some time (if ever) and I was tasked with creating a course. Now, I have little experience in debates and less experience with kids, so of course there is no way that this could go poorly. Oh, it also turns out that they wanted to offer this class twice. The catch being that one of these classes would be the normal “twice a week” for 4 weeks (8 classes) and the other would be five times a week for four weeks (20 classes). Well, I’ll be darned if I wasn’t going to make the best debate class I could for both those classes and teach them both myself! Mostly, I was excited about how all of it was overtime pay and the chance to maybe try to teach kids something not in a book. So I put my own spin on it! Made up all the materials, handed out packets, made them do research, and had them do some debates. For the 5D Debate class I even did a whole week on public speaking. It felt fantastic to teach material I had designed myself. And you know what? It wasn’t a total poop rocket. It wasn’t the best thing to come out of LangCon, but it was fun, the kids learned stuff, and I learned stuff too. Hooray for learning! (Hooray for 28 hours of overtime!). Ah, and I did all of this while entertaining Lindz for company! True story: I’m awesome.

Well, I seem to have exhausted your eyes from just solid text for the past 1400 words. I’m so sorry. To you and your brain. Consider yourself fully informed about what my schedule was like this past semester (considering that it changes in two weeks, it really isn’t worth that much). I’ll have more for you soon. I promise!

Korean Christmas

I know that it’s a little late to be posting this, but I still wanted to share it with you. I spent my first Christmas away from long-time-friends and family this year (and Chanukah, too, but that was covered here) and was a little unsure how festive this season would be. Part of my apprehension about the season had to do with how few vacation days we had to celebrate. Now, I’m used to having at least two weeks for Christmas and New Year’s since that is how life worked in the American public school system: You generally had a week of play time between Christmas and New Year’s, sometimes 2 if they fell on Wednesdays. Then, in college, I had final exams in the first two weeks and was home until the first week of January (Hooray for J-Term classes!). Here, we had Christmas Day off (A Tuesday) and New Year’s Day off (Again, Tuesday). Couldn’t even take off the Monday… So, could we go anywhere? No. Make plans? Not really. What ever could we do?

First I decided to set up my Christmas decorations in my apartment:

This is how I prepare for Santa in Korea.

As my parents were kind enough to send over a package of gifts and festive items to make the spirits bright (no spirits in the package though, suitable spirits were acquired here), I displayed them under a fake tree and a coat hanger-turned-general-purpose-Christmas-pole. Preparations complete, I still had to find a way to celebrate.

“Hmmm…. I can help with that!”

Chris’s girlfriend, Angels, was kind enough to invite us to her apartment for a little party on Christmas Eve. So we went over and had some fun, drank some wine, watched some Aeon Flux (apparently it was an animated TV series on MTV?) ate tons of delicious food prepared by Angela and Chris, and enjoyed ourselves. I was made happiest by the lovely cookie I found:

The perfect Yin-Yang Cookie. It means that balance and harmony will dictate the life of whosoever consumes it.

So that’s a good Christmas Eve, but what about Christmas Day? Well, we were debating the available options – go to a bar and bring food, go to a Chili’s or Outback Steakhouse or some such restaurant, or go to a place and cook food – when our bosses surprised us by allowing the use of their apartment! We were incredibly thankful for the opportunity to cook a delicious Christmas meal, do some Secret Santa stuff, relax with friends, and enjoy a fully furnished apartment. Everyone brought a little something to cook up or drink down, a Secret Santa gift, and a joviality the likes of which had never been seen before in Korea. Me? Oh, the newest co-worker Lindsey was my Secret Santa so I got her some chocolates, wine, and a bottle of Soju. What food did I make? Traditional Jewish food of latkes. So I’ll just let the pictures do the talking for how well it turned out:

The view from our bosses’ apartment.

“….Lo, on the day of His birth, they feasted upon the latkes…”

Our delectable spread!

That’s a plateful.

The gang feasting.

Secret Santa!

Christmas success! Ah, I forgot to mention that we got another little gift from the universe. At 9:00 PM on Christmas Day, our newest teacher arrived from the United States. His name is Nolan and he is replacing Ryan down in LangCon. Here he is with us out at dinner a few nights later:

Nolan (L), Phil (C), Andrew (R) prepping some delicious Korean BBQ.

Here’s hoping for the best in his stay!

Finally, the last, best part of December. I got a facebook message from someone I hadn’t seen in three years: Paul Cross. His sister is apparently a teacher up in Seoul and he got some time off from work to come visit. So:

Paul (L) and HyeMee(R) out for a mid-afternoon jaunt through Seoul.

After this photo, I actually had to split for the airport because I was slightly more excited about a different event. Lindsay Van Brocklin had graciously agreed to take one month away from her job search and her family to come visit me for a month. She landed on Dec. 29th and brought with her a new energy and life to my depressing little apartment in the middle of snowy Korea. You’ll hear more about her once we get to January’s make-up posts, just suffice it to say that she arrived and made me the happiest I’d been the whole time I’ve been here. Ok, too much about the personal life! Next!

Recap: Christmas was all about – bosses’ apartment, great food prepared ourselves, successful Secret Santa, & new teacher.
Got to catch up with Paul, Lindz arrived.

What did January have in store? Read about it next!

Andrew’s Birthday

Well, this is a combination post about the first 1/2 of December and the birthday of one of the best guys here in Cheongju – my coworker Andrew (who you may recall from this article). Normally, such an event wouldn’t merit more than a cursory comment, however I am feeling generous this evening in further efforts to redress my inexcusable absence from my blog.

Dinner bonding!

The first week of December passed uneventfully. I started my new semester of split time between Avalon and Langcon, we all bonded over evenings out and dinners, and I became slightly disenchanted with what was apparently one of the coldest winters in Korean history. I thought it strange when all of the students kept freaking out about the snowfall – it was maybe a couple inches – and I later asked why. I mean, Korea is about level with RI and only a couple hundred km from Russia, so I reaasoned it would have seen this much snow. Apparently it was just an excellent year for snow here and we got some very pretty landscapes. It felt almost exactly like home.

My lovely street with a light blanket of snow.

With such an abundance of perfect snow, Ryan, Erin, and I had a great little snowball fight in the park on my street. We met up after classes ended, went to a convenience store for some brews, and proceeded to go winter-ninja on each other for a splendid good time. 3 people, midnight shenanigans, Koreans staring at us out their apartment windows and thinking the White People are crazy… That’s how we like to spend our time. On a side note, I had to destroy all photographic evidence of said incident for fear that it would lead to extreme jealousy.

It was the next weekend that two events coincided in a most unfortunate manner. The handsome young fellow in the first picture at the top of this post was forced to return to the land from whence he came to finish his Master’s degree program this Spring. His flight was on Friday, but Andrew’s bday was on the next day – the 15th – and they had been thick as thieves since before Korea (having known each other from beforehand, and being good friends to boot, tends to do that). So fending the lowered spirits of departure, we saddled up and headed South to Daejeon for some Mexican food and ‘Ritas.

‘EEEEYYY! I’TS MY BIRTHDAY HERE! WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!

I GUESS… Ah… Is that cake?

Our favorite part about the Mexican restaurant was that it proudly proclaimed “Made by real Mexicans” on the top of their menus. So, you know it’s legit. We know he enjoyed the evening and felt happy to be the center of attention, which menas the weekend wasn’t a total wash.

On a more religious note, Chanukah took place in December and for the first time I can remember, I had literally no one around me who understood a single thing I was talking about when I said, “I’m going to run home, grab a bite to eat and do my Menorah.” Big thank you to Aunt Laurie for the wonderful – and unattended-apartment-friendly – glow stick menorah so I could at least semi-pretend that I was participating in the rituals. It was incredibly weird to not have family close by or any one to really share the experience with.

Snow, new classes, departures of dear friends, and the everyday struggles of life as an adult. The first few weeks of December were pretty un-noteworthy. Oh well. I guess there were only two other things worth mentioning from December, but I’ll do so in other posts.